I still keep an eye on Ben and Stephen. Since the breakup, I really wanted to help get Stephen on his feet and moving forward, but, they both seem to have slipped back into how things used to be.

I haven’t broken contact, and I don’t plan to, but, I am keeping my distance. In a lot of ways, I am tired of the disappointment. I am tired of investing in people who make promises they can’t keep, and always complain about the same problems and then deliberately repeat their mistakes. I don’t want to lose anymore sleep worrying about whether Stephen and Ben will finally move on with their lives and find happiness.

I don’t often, but, I still do. Some nights I revisit the past and carefully replay the moments and words over soft music, like a sad movie where I already know the ending. Robert leaving Stephen for someone else was inevitable;  they were both unhappy in their relationship. Robert admitted this privately, if, only somewhat. Robert didn’t fully apologize to Stephen until after it became completely clear that he didn’t have anything to move on to, either.

And Stephen has been quick and easy on the comeback.

Ben still drives himself out of town and cries in his car. Stephen still feels alone and confused.

And, I am disappointed in my own lack of power. I know you cannot help those who will not help themselves, but, I hate giving up on people. But, in many ways, that’s exactly what I’ve done. I expect to be disappointed—I expect Stephen to talk about wanting more for himself, then turn around and reinvest in Robert; I expect Ben to talk about wanting to stop being alone, then turn around and continue to be withheld. In many ways, what I have learned to expect is more of the same.

I worry. I lose sleep, lose focus at work, or need a drink, need some space, need some fresh air, need some time off, need some—solution. So, I have my distance. It keeps me sane, keeps my mind off the bad things, and, more importantly, it doesn’t keep me wondering when the next disappointment will come.

Stephen always complained that he had to be the big brother, where that was Ben’s responsibility. Ben was supposed to be the one taking the steps and taking care of him, not the other way around. It’s a fair criticism—Ben isn’t one to lead—but Stephen isn’t setting a good example, either. If he was really trying, he wouldn’t be going back to someone who threw him away, he wouldn’t be investing in someone who took advantage of him and betrayed his brother, he wouldn’t still be in the closet with his family, he wouldn’t still be living at home, he’d try to live with more direction, and he’d genuinely be in a better place than he is now.

I tried. I tried so hard, and for so long, to be there in every broken moment to sweep up all the little pieces and put them back together. I invested time, tears, and so much effort. I tried, genuinely tried, to be the big brother for both of them, to lead by example and to guide when asked.

And, as much as it pains me to admit, I failed.